Remnants
of the night’s adventures in the kitchen are strewn across the counter and in
the sink. The smell of tilapia and
blended margarita’s linger in the air.
The house, well, it is messy.
There are clothes folded on the chair and the other kitchen counter. Thank you cards, wedding plans and
books are piled on one side of the table as room had to be made for dinner. The merging of two apartments into one
has inevitably created a more cluttered, yet perfect, appearance to the place.
Looking around, one should pick up, but instead a movie on the couch is far
more appealing.
Tomorrow
I will clean. Tomorrow I will
tackle the million items on my list of “summer accomplishments.” Tomorrow I will make room in our
overflowing closet. Tomorrow I
will continue to plan for next year in fourth grade. Tomorrow I will, well, we shall have to see.
As
the question, “What have you been doing this summer?” has been asked countless
times my answer to anyone has yet to be clear. Besides my obvious two adventures to Nashville and
Philadelphia I cannot concretely say what I have done to fill my days. I have been busy, but busy in a way
unfamiliar to me. All anyone has
to do is look at our house to understand.
Life moves fast, really fast. A tragedy occurs, we pause, and then we
move. Some of us move even quicker
than before as a means to survive, fearful that if we stop, we might not be
able to move again. Then as you
are moving, grieving, surviving, something magical happens and you are brought
to the polar opposite of your emotional compass to the joy, excitement and love
of being engaged. Before you know
it you are moving even faster than before, balancing pain and grief with
overwhelming happiness and love.
Your emotional compass spinning day in and day out as you grapple to
make sense of your ever-changing world.
As summer approaches the plans for
action take over. Prepare for the
wedding, prepare for fourth grade, help mom paint and clean out the basement,
catch-up on pleasure reading, catch-up with friends, work-out, cook healthy and
abundant meals, keep the house spotless, help clean grandpa’s yard, be a summer
blogger. Typically, this plan for
action is my guide and I savor the gift of time to conquer my tasks. I take comfort in knowing that I am accomplishing
things. I am realizing I also like
having an immediate answer to the question, “What have you been doing this
summer?”
Of course, I have worked on lots of
those previously mentioned plans for action. I have guiltily savored reading all three of the Fifty books and the deep discussions
that have followed with friends. I
have spent time at my parent’s house, helping to paint the railings and work in
the backyard. I have spent time
studying the fourth grade curriculum. Brian and I have accomplished a great
deal of wedding plans. I have
traveled twice. Yet, I am
realizing that this summer is about something else. This summer is not about something that can be seen or
touched or crossed off on a to-do list.
This summer is learning the power of allowing myself to forget the lists
sometimes, forget the world sometimes and find solace in myself.
Waking up early, drinking coffee
and listening to music. Waking up
early, looking at the clock and going back to sleep. Crying while: watching Home
Improvement, watching The Amazing
Spiderman, watching father’s day commercials. Finding a handwritten note from my dad (I did attempt to
clean out the closet) and being thankful that I do not always throw everything
away. Then stopping everything to
sit and look at the note the rest of the night. Drinking too much at my cousins beautiful wedding, missing
my flight the next morning, then arriving to friends open arms and choosing to
embrace the hiccup (after the epic meltdown on I-70 at 5:00am, poor
Brian). Being surrounded by my
family and closest friends at my bridal shower and bachelorette party. Feeling so spoiled, so loved, so
excited. Sobbing in the back of a
taxi-cab after a wonderful evening on my mom’s back porch sampling wine for the
wedding; Brian wiping away my tears and Lindsey by my side. Staying up until three am with my
visiting college roommates looking at pictures, reminiscing. Going to Philadelphia with Caitlyn and
having the most delicious, adventurous meal of my life. Talking to my mom a hundred times a
day.
This is what I have been doing.
These are the things that I needed. I have been busy, just different busy. Even when I am just sitting alone, at
home, I am busy. My mind and body
and heart have needed this time, this time to unwind, to feel, to breathe. I am grateful that my career has
allowed me this time that not everyone has the privilege to have. My emotional compass is still off
balance and I predict it will be for a while, but this summer it has had time
to stop racing. I am not sure what
I will do tomorrow and I am getting more comfortable with this uncertainty. The routine, the moving, it will be
happening again soon enough.
