"What have you been doing this summer?"

            Remnants of the night’s adventures in the kitchen are strewn across the counter and in the sink.  The smell of tilapia and blended margarita’s linger in the air.  The house, well, it is messy.  There are clothes folded on the chair and the other kitchen counter.  Thank you cards, wedding plans and books are piled on one side of the table as room had to be made for dinner.  The merging of two apartments into one has inevitably created a more cluttered, yet perfect, appearance to the place. Looking around, one should pick up, but instead a movie on the couch is far more appealing.

            Tomorrow I will clean.  Tomorrow I will tackle the million items on my list of “summer accomplishments.”  Tomorrow I will make room in our overflowing closet.  Tomorrow I will continue to plan for next year in fourth grade.  Tomorrow I will, well, we shall have to see. 

            As the question, “What have you been doing this summer?” has been asked countless times my answer to anyone has yet to be clear.  Besides my obvious two adventures to Nashville and Philadelphia I cannot concretely say what I have done to fill my days.  I have been busy, but busy in a way unfamiliar to me.  All anyone has to do is look at our house to understand.

Life moves fast, really fast.  A tragedy occurs, we pause, and then we move.  Some of us move even quicker than before as a means to survive, fearful that if we stop, we might not be able to move again.  Then as you are moving, grieving, surviving, something magical happens and you are brought to the polar opposite of your emotional compass to the joy, excitement and love of being engaged.  Before you know it you are moving even faster than before, balancing pain and grief with overwhelming happiness and love.  Your emotional compass spinning day in and day out as you grapple to make sense of your ever-changing world. 

As summer approaches the plans for action take over.  Prepare for the wedding, prepare for fourth grade, help mom paint and clean out the basement, catch-up on pleasure reading, catch-up with friends, work-out, cook healthy and abundant meals, keep the house spotless, help clean grandpa’s yard, be a summer blogger.  Typically, this plan for action is my guide and I savor the gift of time to conquer my tasks.  I take comfort in knowing that I am accomplishing things.  I am realizing I also like having an immediate answer to the question, “What have you been doing this summer?”

Of course, I have worked on lots of those previously mentioned plans for action.  I have guiltily savored reading all three of the Fifty books and the deep discussions that have followed with friends.  I have spent time at my parent’s house, helping to paint the railings and work in the backyard.  I have spent time studying the fourth grade curriculum. Brian and I have accomplished a great deal of wedding plans.  I have traveled twice.  Yet, I am realizing that this summer is about something else.  This summer is not about something that can be seen or touched or crossed off on a to-do list.  This summer is learning the power of allowing myself to forget the lists sometimes, forget the world sometimes and find solace in myself.

Waking up early, drinking coffee and listening to music.  Waking up early, looking at the clock and going back to sleep.  Crying while: watching Home Improvement, watching The Amazing Spiderman, watching father’s day commercials.  Finding a handwritten note from my dad (I did attempt to clean out the closet) and being thankful that I do not always throw everything away.  Then stopping everything to sit and look at the note the rest of the night.  Drinking too much at my cousins beautiful wedding, missing my flight the next morning, then arriving to friends open arms and choosing to embrace the hiccup (after the epic meltdown on I-70 at 5:00am, poor Brian).  Being surrounded by my family and closest friends at my bridal shower and bachelorette party.  Feeling so spoiled, so loved, so excited.  Sobbing in the back of a taxi-cab after a wonderful evening on my mom’s back porch sampling wine for the wedding; Brian wiping away my tears and Lindsey by my side.  Staying up until three am with my visiting college roommates looking at pictures, reminiscing.  Going to Philadelphia with Caitlyn and having the most delicious, adventurous meal of my life.  Talking to my mom a hundred times a day.

This is what I have been doing. These are the things that I needed. I have been busy, just different busy.  Even when I am just sitting alone, at home, I am busy.  My mind and body and heart have needed this time, this time to unwind, to feel, to breathe.  I am grateful that my career has allowed me this time that not everyone has the privilege to have.  My emotional compass is still off balance and I predict it will be for a while, but this summer it has had time to stop racing.  I am not sure what I will do tomorrow and I am getting more comfortable with this uncertainty.  The routine, the moving, it will be happening again soon enough.