"Wholeness"

Brian and I spent our long President's Day weekend in Rifle, CO at his parents.  Brian is the oldest of four and we were fortunate that this particular weekend was available for everyone to go home.  We spent the weekend with his parents, his brother and his wife, his sister and her fiance and his youngest brother Jake (a Senior in high school).  One of the things that I love about Brian is that he understands and values the importance of family. I was immediately attracted to how much his family means to him.  We appreciate that part of one another.

It was Saturday morning and I was sitting at the kitchen table with all the Withee boys.  I was quietly sipping my coffee and observing the wonderful back and forth banter of Seinfeld quotes and the relentless teasing and laughter that comes from three brothers and their dad.  I was happy, enjoying being the girl at the table listening in.  Then I felt an entirely unexpected emotion.  I tried to deny it.  There was no way this could be happening.  I couldn't be jealous of them, these wonderful people that I adore.  If anything it made me smile to watch them together on this beautiful morning gathered at the table.  Yet, the truth is I was painfully jealous.  I sat still for a while pondering this and then realized it is because of nothing that they did, but everything that they are.  They are whole.  The Withee home was full of love and laughter and utter happiness.  Everyone who was supposed to be there was, including me.  

I would be lying if I said that I didn't spend the next few hours curled up lost in a wet mess of thoughts and tears.  They have the wholeness that my family had before we all developed a "Dan sized hole" in our hearts.  You can fee the hole when you walk into my parents house.  It is different now, everyone who is supposed to be there is not and there is nothing we can do to fix it.  Time will help us heal, but the "us" that we knew will never be the same.

After my hours of thoughts and conversations with Brian and my mom I found my way back to enjoying the weekend with the Withee's.  We played cards, watched movies, watched Jake's basketball games.  We laughed.  We told stories.  We looked at pictures.  We enjoyed the company and love surrounding us.  Then I stumbled upon another realization.  LIfe handed me an immeasurable loss, but at the same time is gently offering me another source of comfort.  Another amazing family that is willing to share a piece of their wholeness with me.