Self

This past weekend was tough.  I felt off-balance, overwhelmed, de-energized, sad, frustrated, lonely and discouraged. I try to be good to myself.  I try to remember that no one expects me to be ‘okay’ all the time or to be able to do it all, but this weekend all I could focus on was how inadequate I have felt the past few months.  I know that I am grieving.  I know that my life got flipped upside down in a split second and I lost one of my biggest supporters and dearest friends… my dad. I know that grief affects you in ways you are not even aware.  That it takes time and patience and letting yourself be to navigate the whirlwind of emotions.  Nonetheless, I have felt that no matter how hard I try I am not being a good enough daughter, sister, fiancé, friend, teacher or colleague.  According to my personality type on the Enneagram I am your classic, “Type Two-The Helper.” To be the one needing taken care of, to be the one that needs to receive and not give, talk about a battle for my inner self!  So this weekend I sat in my own self-misery and cried and collapsed and allowed myself to just feel it all.

At the core of it all is the realization that I am not really taking care of myself physically or emotionally.  I am running on empty and cannot keep up forever.  My physical self needs sleep, good food and consistent exercise.  My emotional self needs time to just breathe, time for me to stop and be done for the day.  I need to give myself permission (like I did today) to leave work at 4:00, because it is beautiful outside and long walk would sooth my being.  That it is okay to be selfish and do what I need to do for my own well-being.  In order to be the person I want to be for others, I first need to take care of myself.  I need to find balance.

It is time to be better to myself again, take time for myself again and appreciate myself again.