Friends

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.” –Bernard Meltzer

“We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another.” –Lucretius

When I was born, on Saint Patrick’s Day, the waiting room was not only abuzz with eager grandparents and aunts and uncles, but with my parents friends.  My parents were the first to get married and I was the first baby to join the ranks.  Twenty six (almost twenty seven) years later these are the same friends that we spend every New Years with in the mountains, that regularly enjoy a good drink together while reminiscing about the, “my children should not be hearing these,” adventures of their past, the same friends that spoke at my dad’s service, and the same friends that have not left our families side since Dad’s death.  I guess you could say I was raised seeing the value of friendships old and new.  My parents had their own friends and their together friends.  They have friendships from their childhoods, from their years spent on PTA, from bike riding, from bowling leagues, from work, from neighbors.  My dad spent time with his bike riding, golfing, playing poker and in their old age grabbing a quick coffee on the way to work.  My mom attends her weekly book club, Wednesday bowing, lunch dates and FAC’s.  I admired that as us kids got older my parents took to nurturing their own friendships more.  It is these friendships that have supported and guided our family through the past six months of grief.

Having grown-up with an exceptional model from my parents about what it means to have and to be a friend it is only fitting that friendships are an invaluable part of my daily life.  My friends are an eclectic bunch.  They have been collected different places and at different times in my life.  I had always considered myself blessed by the amazing friendships, but when my world collapsed this August there is not a word for these people.  They have been my anchors and each of them has been providing a different perspective and a different role in my journey through grief.  I could dedicate a blog page to each, but today I wanted to just share a little piece of these amazing, incredible, saintly people I am fortunate enough to call my friends.

Usually when I call people it is hit or miss with the craziness of our daily lives, but if I go down the call list I can usually catch at least one friend to touch base with on the drive home from work.  Ironically, after my sister called to tell me that I needed to get to my parents house NOW, they think dad was found on the bike path, NO ONE answered their phone.  NO ONE.  Brian. Lindsey. Caity. Terese. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Since I have no idea where to start I will start with Terese.  The first friend I talked to after receiving the news.  When I walked into her amazing classroom in August 2008 I did not know that she would eventually be my teammate and one of my dearest friends.  I had just dropped Terese off to her car after an evening at Outdoor Lab.  She was driving too and to this day I am grateful that she made it home safely, because she is the only reason I made it to Brian in one piece.  I have no idea what I said to her, but I remember that the second I heard her voice I lost it.  She coached me through every step of my drive home.  I remember the fear, yet calmness in her voice as she told me to focus on the next light, focus on getting to Brian, and to watch the car in front of me. I know that I interrupted her to take Brian’s call.  I told him to get ready and meet me outside.  I needed Terese’s voice to guide me home and she did.  For two weeks I did not worry about sub plans or my 28 new kindergartners without a teacher, I knew they had Terese to get them through.  Terese lost her mom this year too, our kindergarten classrooms have been a place of grief, but also a source of comfort and understanding.  While everyone grieves differently we can at least recognize and support each other through the ups and downs each new day brings.  She has been such a source of strength and love. 

Caity, one of my oldest friends, lives up the street and after receiving the news from Brian her and her now fiancé were at my parents’ house within minutes.  She stayed late into the morning hours only to wake up and go to her job as a middle school teacher.  The rest of the week she selflessly took sub days and left work only to immediately drive to my parent’s house.  I didn’t sit still much the first few days.  Caity gently followed me from room to room, filling my drink, laying a plate of food on my lap, screening phone calls and often just taking them for me.  She has since sat at countless Starbuck tables as tears stream down my face, never embarrassed, but always offering just the right words to help me move forward.

Lindsey lives in Baltimore so by the time I was making my calls it was her bedtime.  This was the one night that she did not hear the phone vibrate next to her bed.  It was her now husband that called me back at 5:00am seeing that I called him some fifteen times too.  Within hours Lindsey had her flight booked.  She came and she did not leave my side until she left.  She is that friend that needs no words.  She is the one who knows without my telling that it was a bad night.  Who knows when I need to talk about it or when I need to talk about nothing at all.  She knows my grief better than I do and gently helps me navigate through this journey everyday.

Katie, Lindsey and I were roommates and best friends in college.  She lives in Tennessee, but was away on business when she got the call.  She actually booked her flight to match Lindsey’s and left her business trip to be at my side.  I am sure it was Katie that devised the plan to stop serving me ‘gin & tonics’ during the wee hours following his service and instead just ‘tonics’. It does not matter that Katie lives miles away.  She has been a constant support and always seems to send a little text message at the perfectly right moment. 

Julie and her now fiancé Derek were at my parents house the next afternoon.  Bringing food and beer, company and love.  Julie and I used to do dinner every Tuesday night: Tuesday’s when it happened.  Our Tuesday nights have stopped, but she never judges or takes it personally.  Instead she finds other times and ways to be in touch and check in.  She reminds me that it is okay to do things for me and that it is okay to talk about my dad or to talk about other things too.  She has the ability to let me just “be” and I love that about her.

Jaimee lives in Austin and the days following his death she called and texted daily. She was beside herself that she could not get a flight to attend his service, but I know that she was there in spirit.  After a long day back to work I came home to the most beautiful arrangement of Gerber daisy’s my favorite… just because.

Ruth is a friend from childhood and her mom and my mom are friends.  Ruth is attending med school in Boston and I have felt bad that she actually found out from her mom that night, not me, about my dad’s death.  I know that Ruth was disappointed that she could not get a flight home right when the news came.  It actually worked out better; Ruth flew in the weekend after the service. After everyone else had gone home, when I had to start thinking about going back to work.  Ruth the soon-to-be doctor spent Saturday in my classroom with me.  She stapled, she glued, and she cut laminating. I would not have been able to go there alone to try to “catch-up” and will forever be grateful that she drove me and stayed while I shuffled papers and tried to get a grip.

Brian.  This blog is already too long.  Brian deserves an entire days worth of thoughts and energy devoted to him and his role as my anchor, my best friend, my guiding light.  That shall come someday soon.  All I know is that the man must love me to want to marry me after he lost a piece of me in August.  I am one remarkably lucky girl.

These little vignettes do not rightly begin to describe these incredible woman and what their friendships have meant and continue to mean to my life.  I wrote a lot about what they did immediately after dad’s death, but it is what they continue to do day in and day out that is unbelievable to me.  The other incredible part is that they too were grieving.  Some of them had known my dad since they were young girls, others since college.  Regardless of the time they had known him, my dad had the ability to get to know people  and he knew and cared about each deeply.  These woman were grieving for him and for me.  They are remarkable. As I am finding my way, it is so important to me that I find my way back to being the friend that I was to each of them before this happened; That they know that I am strong enough to be there for them too.  They have allowed me to be a taker of friendship.  I am ready to get back to the giving side of things.

To each and every friend, particularly those not mentioned by name in this post, please know that you are the ones giving my family and me the strength and courage we need to move forward day by day.