Stuck

I remember the first time I said it, "Hey honey, I am going to stop by my mom's before I come home."  Wait, what did I just call it?  I called it 'my mom's'.  I can't believe I just said that.  It is my parents home.  It is the home they created together.  It was my home (and always will be).  It is still my brother and sister's home.  It is my parents home, not just my mom's home.  How could I have just called it that?


This is predicament I have been struggling with.  I say it both ways and with such irregularity.  I am uncertain why I say 'parents house' a handful of times and 'mom's house' a handful of others.  Honestly, it feels uncomfortable to say it both ways.  I know that it is my parent's home, but for some reason with my dad gone, it just feels strange to say 'parents house'.  To me it suggests that he is still there, he's not.  Yet, to just say' mom's house,' feels like I am forgetting him.  That does not feel right either.


The house has a hole.  The house feels different now.  It is missing someone.  Someone who was such a huge part of the houses identity.  My memories of the house are with my dad there, at my 'parent's house.'  Yet, we are finally creating new memories at the house, without dad.  While it will always be my 'parent's house,' it is now where I go to see my mom.  It is where I find her.  It is where I find my sister and brother and Chardae.  My dad is there too, in every picture, the coffee pot, the chair in the living room, his coffee drinking spot on the couch in the living room, the yard, the grill, their bedroom... he is everywhere.  It will always be my 'parent's house' in my heart.  It will always be theirs, but I am not sure that is what I will always call it.  That makes me sad.  It breaks my heart in pieces.  I know it is just a name and it is the inside of the home that makes the difference, but it is something I having a hard time with.  I am stuck.